Currently Playing
XDiscipleX A.D.
Album

The Revelation

Track God Save Me

Lust

given the fact that i have my struggles and bouts with lust i thought itd be good to write about it. In that way i feel as though we could all help each other as believers. Not only that but id like for people to know what ive been through with it. The devil would love to isolate me and have me beat nyself up in a dark corner .. and slip further away but i know my saviors name... Jesus Christ... and he will hear me and save my soul if i repent and give up my will for his.

Well i first started having noticable problems with lust when i was in Junior high school. This was before i was saved so my perceptions of things were different. My friend who lived in my building had lots of porno videos we would all come over and watch. So for me like many others the world of pornography was always easily accessible. i remember going to local stores and boldly standing there looking at the adult mags... at this one store near me the lady stood by amazed that i was so boldly going where no teenage boy had gone before. This continued... there was movies magazines and thoughts of sex with females filled my head. my genes likened me to sexual immorality....

After i got saved i have to say that it was an issue but not like b4 (i got saved when i was 13) i didnt go to the places i went b4, didnt watch any pornos at my friends place etc. It was sort of dormant in ways until i got the internet....
many years later around 1999 i came across many interesting things.. one of them quite self distructive. at my fingertips and at any time of the day i could indulge in pornography. I could go on for hours about the destructive nature of what i was getting into but it just progressed and got worse. It grew into the worst spiritual struggle of my Christian walk. I struggled with it for 3.5 years .. after that Jesus broke the cycle of sin. Granted after that i still had to deal with it but the cycle was broken.
Those 3.5 years were hell ... i often fanticized about the porn stars thinking about how i could go to adult cons to have sex with them. i would spend hours on the pc ... days wasted .. just looking at the stuff. My mind was tormented becaue i couldnt understand how i could want to live for God so badly yet fall so far. But even after the cycle was broken i strugled.. not nearly as badly but when i fell man... i fell hard. i would call date lines to have phone sex with girls and after the internet was removed from my house i even got into masturbation. The addiction took new forms.

This tore me apart inside... it was just as Jesus said

luke 11: 17But He, knowing their thoughts, said to them: "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and a house divided against a house falls

my actions were tearing me apart.

One of the greatest revelations i recieved concerning this is the "why". God shared with me why i was doing what i was doing. During the course of my life ive endured a great amount of rejection. Ive spent a good portion of my life with no real friends... the family i have at UGC are fairly recent... im talking 3 years tops..
In dealing with isolation and rejection i turned to addiction. You see addiction is something that tries to substitute for a love we all long for. A perfect love that we look for in our everyday lives. We look for this perfect love in our mates,sex, our families, being normal, drugs, caffeene, the internet, reading, knowledge, you name it. But these addiction cannot make up for the perfect love only found in Christ.

Have i fallen to these years of issues recently? yes. was it bad? yes. all sin is bad. But i know i have a redeemer. He was resurrected and lives in me. God showed me this before i fell later that day.

Psalm 40 (New King James Version)

New King James Version (NKJV)
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.


Psalm 40

Faith Persevering in Trial

(A)
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3He has put a new song in my mouth--
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.
4Blessed is that man who makes the LORD his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
5Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
6Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
7Then I said, "Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
8I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart."
9I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O LORD, You Yourself know.
10I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.
11Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O LORD;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
12For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
13Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me;
O LORD, make haste to help me!
14Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
15Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, "Aha, aha!"
16Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
"The LORD be magnified!"
17But I am poor and needy;
Yet the LORD thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God

one part in particular struck me and i nearly cried

3He has put a new song in my mouth--
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.

my struggles arent in vain. not only that im my fathers son. Jesus called me out by name. The things that go on in my life have purpose. When God delievers me people will see that and the hope that is in me will be in them. The fear of the lord will about to countless people. The prince of this world doesnt want this to happen. Imagine true freedom brought about by the hope of Jesus. No matter where weve been we have to realize that we are here to help each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. Honestly sometimes i feel like im alone.. no one goes through what i do i say to myself.. lies.

I ask that you guys always pray for me, give me advise guided by the Holy spirit if you have it, call me late nights or whenever, talk to me, encourage me, love me. Ive gone through years of beating myself up but im learning more about Gods perfect love, how to love myself and how to love others.
Oh how i look foward to tommorow.. give this blog address to whoever needs it. and email me or call me if you want to talk.